


theres no WAY were ceding narrative relevance to the fucking culinary dimension

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:07:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22437649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave and Karkat talk about earth cuisine.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 22
Kudos: 177





	theres no WAY were ceding narrative relevance to the fucking culinary dimension

KARKAT: DAVE.  
DAVE: hey man whats up  
DAVE: oh dang are we doin storytime with karkat  
DAVE: shit man i donno if ive recovered from the last sesh yet  
DAVE: those fuckin fish people dude  
DAVE: the buckets are fucked up enough  
DAVE: but then you do that shit UNDERWATER  
DAVE: i might actually be scarred for life  
DAVE: or i at least need like a day or two to decompress back up on dry land where i belong  
DAVE: you cant not decompress karkat  
DAVE: thats how you get the bends  
KARKAT: OH SHUT THE FUCK UP, DAVE. IT WASN’T THAT BAD.  
DAVE: yes it so was bro i feel like im goin easy on it if anything like i didnt even mention the seahorse  
KARKAT: OK. THE SEAHORSE WAS A LITTLE WEIRD.  
DAVE: thank you that means a lot to hear you admit that  
KARKAT: WELL WHATEVER. IT DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY!  
KARKAT: FORGET IT!  
KARKAT: PURGE THE FUCKING SEAHORSE FROM YOUR MIND!  
DAVE: dude i wish  
KARKAT: WELL WISH HARDER, BECAUSE WE’RE NOT DOING FUCKING STORYTIME.  
KARKAT: THIS ISN’T EVEN ONE OF MY BOOKS.  
DAVE: oh yeah what is it  
KARKAT: IT’S A COOKBOOK!  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: a cookbook  
DAVE: karkat man where the fuck did you get a cookbook  
DAVE: oh shit its an earth cookbook too  
DAVE: what the hell  
DAVE: who gave you this thing  
DAVE: was it a ghost  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: oh my god karkat was it a chef version of me  
DAVE: like from a chef timeline  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: it was wasnt it  
KARKAT: YES DAVE.  
KARKAT: OCCAM’S RAZOR HAS TRIUMPHED ONCE AGAIN.  
KARKAT: I GOT THIS BOOK FROM THE GHOST OF CHEF YOU.  
DAVE: oh shit what was he like  
DAVE: i bet he was exactly like me but with a tall ass white hat  
DAVE: and a sweet mustache despite bein a thirteen year old kid  
DAVE: and a french accent  
DAVE: did he have a french accent karkat  
KARKAT: I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT A FRENCH ACCENT SOUNDS LIKE, DAVE.  
DAVE: uh... like the hotel owner in just married who got pissed when they blew up an outlet with a dildo  
KARKAT: OH.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: THEN YES.  
KARKAT: HE HAD A REALLY FUCKING STRONG FRENCH ACCENT.  
KARKAT: EVEN WORSE THAN THAT GUY.  
DAVE: nice  
KARKAT: HE WAS ALSO INCREDIBLY PRETENTIOUS AND KEPT POKING ME WITH HIS WHISK AND TALKING ABOUT “MOUTHFEEL.”  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: hold on this just got hella specific  
DAVE: especially for someone who didnt know what a fuckin french accent was ten seconds ago  
DAVE: you...  
DAVE: you didnt ACTUALLY meet chef me right  
KARKAT: NO DAVE, I DIDN’T MEET FUCKING CHEF YOU!  
DAVE: ok well im just sayin  
DAVE: your stereotypical chefs are eerily similar to ours  
DAVE: its not like you meeting chef me is the MOST likely explanation  
DAVE: but you gotta admit this whole transdimensional cheffy commonality is pretty fuckin unlikely too  
KARKAT: IS IT, DAVE?  
KARKAT: YOU THINK JUST BECAUSE WE DIDN’T HAVE FRANCE WE DIDN’T HAVE CHEFS?  
KARKAT: THOSE TWO THINGS ARE NOT INEXTRICABLY FUCKING LINKED!  
DAVE: yeah yeah  
KARKAT: THAT WOULD BE SO FUCKING STUPID!  
KARKAT: I MEAN WE HAD FOOD!  
KARKAT: WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK COOKED IT??  
DAVE: obviously not the fuckin french  
KARKAT: NO. NOT THE FUCKING FRENCH!  
KARKAT: AND ANYWAY, WHY THE FUCK DO *YOUR* CHEFS HAVE THOSE TALL HATS?  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: I MEAN THEY DON’T HAVE HORNS, SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY NEED ALL THAT ROOM IN THEIR HATS?  
DAVE: uh  
KARKAT: THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE, DAVE.  
DAVE: i  
DAVE: huh  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: i have no fucking clue  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: damn what IS up with those hats  
KARKAT: *ANYWAY.* WE’RE GETTING WAY THE FUCK OFF TOPIC HERE.  
KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY, I BLAME YOU.  
DAVE: chef me?  
KARKAT: NO, FUCKING *YOU* YOU.  
KARKAT: BECAUSE BELIEVE IT OR NOT, DAVE, CHEF YOU HAS NOTHING TO FUCKING DO WITH THIS BOOK.  
KARKAT: I FOUND IT IN ONE OF THOSE STUPID FUCKING HALLWAY CHESTS.  
DAVE: ohh  
KARKAT: IT’S CLEARLY FROM EARTH.  
KARKAT: AND I DON’T THINK IT’S YOURS, SINCE YOU GOT TOTALLY WON OVER BY TALES FROM THE FUCKING CULINARY DIMENSION.  
KARKAT: SO I’M GUESSING IT’S ROSE’S.  
DAVE: aw  
DAVE: thats way less exciting  
KARKAT: HEH.  
KARKAT: YEAH, I GUESS IT IS.  
KARKAT: BUT ANYWAY.  
KARKAT: I THOUGHT WE COULD CHECK IT OUT.  
KARKAT: YOU COULD TEACH ME ABOUT HUMAN FOOD.  
KARKAT: SHIT, MAYBE WE COULD EVEN TRY TO MAKE SOME OF THIS STUFF.  
DAVE: huh  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: cool  
DAVE: ill be your culinary guide karkat  
DAVE: i mean im no chef!dave  
DAVE: god rest his lil french soul  
KARKAT: HE’S NOT FUCKING REAL, DAVE!  
DAVE: hey we dont know that  
DAVE: infinite timelines and all  
DAVE: he totally could be  
DAVE: and if he is hes dead  
DAVE: cuz theres no WAY were ceding narrative relevance to the fucking culinary dimension  
DAVE: so  
DAVE: were pourin one out for chef!dave  
DAVE: right here right now  
KARKAT: UGH.  
KARKAT: FIIINE.  
KARKAT: REST IN PEACE CHEF DAVE.  
DAVE: damn straight  
DAVE: we hope youre in a better place  
DAVE: and we thank you for this bountiful gift of  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: bistro cooking at home  
KARKAT: THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, DAVE.  
DAVE: thanks man he woulda done the same for me  
KARKAT: CAN WE MOVE ON?  
DAVE: sure  
KARKAT: FAN FUCKING TASTIC.  
KARKAT: SO.  
KARKAT: THIS BOOK.  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK’S IN HERE ANYWAY?  
KARKAT: DO YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE ANY OF THIS SHIT?  
DAVE: oh yeah definitely  
DAVE: lets see what we got here  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: lemon-scented risotto with morels and chives  
DAVE: yep yeah that looks about right  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW THAT ONE?  
DAVE: what sure i do why the fuck wouldnt i  
DAVE: i was pretty much never not chowin the fuck down on morels back home  
DAVE: had a big can of em by my bed  
DAVE: so when i woke up at night with the morel sweats i could get my fix real easy  
DAVE: drift back off to sleep with fuckin morels dancin behind my eyelids all lets all go to the lobby style  
DAVE: cept instead of popcorn its just delicious morels far as the eye can see  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK *IS* A MOREL?  
DAVE: uh its pretty much shrimp  
DAVE: see theres one  
DAVE: it like a browner squishier shrimp  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: YOU KEPT A CAN OF SHRIMP BY YOUR BED AT NIGHT?  
DAVE: yeah sure  
DAVE: you say that like its weird or somethin man  
DAVE: it totally wasnt  
DAVE: pretty much everybody on earth did that  
DAVE: from the lowliest pauper to sean diddy combs himself  
DAVE: EVERYBODY had bed shrimp  
DAVE: it was just the way of the world  
KARKAT: HM.  
DAVE: lets see what else we got here  
DAVE: we got fuckin...  
DAVE: new england bouillabaisse with rouille and croutons  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?  
DAVE: well thats easy  
DAVE: new england was this place where matt damon lived  
DAVE: where they ate bouillabaisse all the fuckin time  
DAVE: it was pretty much the main regional dish  
KARKAT: WHAT WAS IT?  
DAVE: soup obviously check it out its in a bowl  
DAVE: and rouille is uh  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: also shrimp  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: THAT’S FUCKING SHRIMP TOO, DAVE?  
DAVE: yeah man look its right in the picture you can fuckin see it for yourself  
KARKAT: HUMANS REALLY LOVED SHRIMP, HUH?  
DAVE: we fuckin LOVE shrimp karkat we cant fuckin get enough of it  
DAVE: we eat it all the goddamn time  
DAVE: thats why its in all our recipes and we have so many words for it  
DAVE: its like fuckin eskimos and snow except fishy and without all the racist undertones  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: AND CROUTONS?  
DAVE: oh thats easy thats just little hard square breads  
KARKAT: OH! WE HAD THOSE!  
DAVE: yeah whatd you call em  
KARKAT: LITTLE HARD SQUARE BREADS.  
DAVE: haha i fuckin bet you did  
DAVE: shit you prolly had most of this stuff anyway why are we even doin this  
DAVE: like fuckin... beef bourguignon  
DAVE: theres no fucking way you didnt have this and just call it grub bourguignon  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, WAIT!  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT?  
KARKAT: WE ACTUALLY DID!  
DAVE: oh fuck you man  
KARKAT: NO! I SWEAR TO GOD!  
KARKAT: I’M NOT FUCKING WITH YOU THIS TIME, DAVE!  
DAVE: this time?  
KARKAT: I’M SERIOUS!  
KARKAT: WE LITERALLY HAD GRUB BOURGUIGNON!  
KARKAT: AND IT FUCKING LOOKED A *LOT* LIKE THIS!  
KARKAT: I PROMISE DAVE I AM NOT SHITTING YOU!  
KARKAT: OURS JUST HAD...  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW...  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: MORE LEGS.  
DAVE: gross  
KARKAT: IT WAS PRETTY GOOD.  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: sigh  
DAVE: i guess ive put this off for long enough  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: i thought maybe i could go forever not knowin for sure  
DAVE: i really thought i could be strong  
DAVE: just not know and live a happy ignorant life  
KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??  
DAVE: but now it comes down to it i just dont think i can go on like this  
DAVE: i just gotta fuckin know the answer or ill go insane  
KARKAT: THE ANSWER TO WHAT???  
DAVE: so like  
DAVE: all your food is called grub this grub that  
DAVE: fuckin grub loaf grub juice  
DAVE: APPARENTLY fuckin grub bourguignon  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: SO?  
DAVE: ok but...  
DAVE: you also call babies grubs  
DAVE: like im not imagining that  
DAVE: i have heard you literally refer to your kid self as a grub before  
KARKAT: YEAH, WE COME OUT OF THE MOTHER GRUB.  
KARKAT: *AS* GRUBS.  
KARKAT: THEN WE SPIN A COCOON AND PUPATE AND-  
DAVE: ok ok ok  
DAVE: i dont need to hear your whole really gross bug origin story again  
DAVE: my point is  
DAVE: your food is grubs  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: and your babies are grubs  
KARKAT: RIGHT.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: karkat do you seriously not see where im goin with this  
KARKAT: ???  
DAVE: sigh  
DAVE: cmon man  
DAVE: do you...  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: do you  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ugg  
DAVE: dude do you eat babies  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
KARKAT: HOW THE *FUCK* CAN YOU ASK ME THAT DAVE?  
DAVE: holy shit  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: this is NOT soundin particularly like a no  
DAVE: this is sounding way less like a no than i was hopin for  
DAVE: like my ideal reaction from you woulda been just “no”  
DAVE: that is definitely my number one hoped for response  
DAVE: no is nice and close to no  
DAVE: as opposed to this bullshit youre currently spouting  
DAVE: which is like maybe a distant cousin of no  
DAVE: so distant they see each other at family reunions and check each other out and dont even feel weird about it  
KARKAT: OK FINE!  
KARKAT: NO!!  
KARKAT: WE DON’T FUCKING EAT BABIES!  
DAVE: you dont  
KARKAT: NO!  
DAVE: oh my god karkat what the fuck why didnt you lead with that man  
KARKAT: I THOUGHT IT WAS FUCKING OBVIOUS!  
DAVE: it was so not dude are you fucking kidding me  
KARKAT: !  
DAVE: so trolls...  
DAVE: arent?  
DAVE: cannibals  
KARKAT: OH NO, SOME TROLLS ARE DEFINITELY CANNIBALS.  
DAVE: w h a t  
KARKAT: YEAH, I MEAN IT’S A THING THAT COMES UP.  
DAVE: ok bro see this is EXACTLY why you dont get to say you think shit is “obvious”  
DAVE: does it fucking come up for YOU?  
KARKAT: NO!  
KARKAT: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL, DAVE!  
KARKAT: ALTHOUGH I DON’T KNOW WHY *YOU’RE* SO WORRIED.  
KARKAT: EVEN IF I WAS I WOULDN’T EAT YOU!  
DAVE: what why the fuck not  
KARKAT: BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT A FUCKING TROLL, DAVE!  
KARKAT: IT’S NOT CANNIBALISM IF I EAT YOU!  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: right  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: ...do you  
DAVE: want  
DAVE: to  
KARKAT: WHAT, EAT YOU??  
DAVE: ok here we are again with the not leading with a no thing man you seriously gotta work on this  
KARKAT: AUGH!  
KARKAT: *NO,* I DON’T WANNA EAT YOU, DAVE!  
KARKAT: I DON’T EAT PEOPLE! REGARDLESS OF WHAT FUCKING UNIVERSE THEY'RE FROM!  
KARKAT: AND YEAH, SURE, SOME TROLLS DO. BUT THEY’RE FUCKING PSYCHOPATHS!  
KARKAT: AM I A PSYCHOPATH?  
DAVE: well...  
KARKAT: OH *NOW* WHO’S NOT LEADING WITH FUCKING NO?  
DAVE: fine no karkat youre not  
DAVE: youre chill  
DAVE: youre loud and angry as shit  
DAVE: but in a chill way that falls way short of actually eating your friends  
DAVE: probably  
KARKAT: YES. THANK YOU, DAVE.  
KARKAT: I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, WE EAT TOGETHER ALL THE FUCKING TIME!  
KARKAT: I EAT THE SAME SHIT AS YOU!  
KARKAT: FUCKING POPCORN AND COFFEE AND CEREAL AND YEAH, THE OCCASIONAL GRUB LOAF!  
DAVE: which is  
DAVE: ...NOT?  
DAVE: made out of babies  
KARKAT: NO, IT’S FUCKING NOT!  
KARKAT: IT’S MADE OUT OF FUCKING GRUBS!  
DAVE: ok but  
DAVE: thats literally what you call babies dude  
DAVE: i feel like youre doing this on purpose  
DAVE: like how can you possibly not understand my confusion here  
KARKAT: BECAUSE IT’S NOT FUCKING TROLL GRUBS!   
KARKAT: IT’S JUST...  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW...  
KARKAT: FOOD GRUBS!  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: DAVE, ON MY PLANET, *EVERYTHING* CAME FROM GRUBS.  
KARKAT: MY COMPUTER CAME FROM A GRUB! MY FUCKING SHOES CAME FROM GRUBS!  
DAVE: whoa what  
KARKAT: YEAH!  
KARKAT: SO DID FOOD. ALSO CARS. AND FURNITURE. AND VIDEO GAMES.  
KARKAT: AND YES, PEOPLE.  
DAVE: jesus  
KARKAT: IT WAS A GRUBBY FUCKING PLACE, DAVE!  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO TELL YOU!  
KARKAT: EXCEPT THAT NO, WE DIDN’T EAT FUCKING BABIES!  
KARKAT: AND THERE’S NO REASON TO ASSUME WE DID, EITHER!  
KARKAT: YOU’D BE JUST AS RIGHT TO ASSUME OUR FOOD WAS MADE OUT OF FUCKING BOATS! OR UMBRELLAS!  
DAVE: ok but like  
DAVE: thats the most confusing shit ever  
DAVE: you see that right  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN?  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: if everything comes from grubs  
DAVE: why do you still fucking say grub in front of every word  
DAVE: thats gotta be the most useless prefix ever invented  
DAVE: thats like puttin fuckin “carbon” in front of everything  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: you gotta see what im sayin here man  
KARKAT: NO I FUCKING DON’T!  
DAVE: ugh fine whatever  
DAVE: i guess ill just focus on how im really pumped you dont eat babies like i kinda always suspected  
KARKAT: YEAH YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THAT ONE, DAVE.  
DAVE: heh  
KARKAT: SO NOW THAT WE’VE GOT YET ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL FUCKING CULTURAL EXCHANGE OUT OF THE WAY...  
KARKAT: LET’S FUCKING DO THIS!  
KARKAT: LET’S PICK SOMETHING TO TRY TO MAKE!  
DAVE: man you really actually wanna do that  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
KARKAT: OF COURSE I DO!  
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK WOULDN’T WE?  
DAVE: cuz were gonna fuckin suck at it dude thats why  
DAVE: like how the fuck are we gonna alchemize fuckin shrimp  
KARKAT: WE CAN TOTALLY DO SHRIMP!  
KARKAT: THEY’RE JUST BUGS!  
KARKAT: I ALCHEMIZE BUGS ALL THE FUCKING TIME!  
DAVE: well SOMETHINS not gonna come out right  
DAVE: its not gonna taste good  
DAVE: its all gonna be a little off and weird and its gonna suck why would we do that  
KARKAT: WELL FINE, IF YOU’RE REALLY THAT WORRIED ABOUT IT, LET’S GET ROSE TO HELP US.  
KARKAT: IT’S GONNA BE A LITTLE AWKWARD COMING TO HER WITH HER OWN FUCKING BOOK, BUT THAT’S HER OWN FAULT FOR PUTTING IT IN ONE OF THOSE CHESTS OR LETTING HER MEMORY PUT IT IN THERE OR HOWEVER THE FUCK THOSE THINGS ACTUALLY WORK.  
KARKAT: BUT I ALSO BET SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO RESIST SHOWING US HOW IT’S DONE, *ESPECIALLY* IF WE SAY WE NEED HER HELP.  
KARKAT: IF WE’VE GOT ROSE ON OUR TEAM, THERE’S A CHANCE WE MIGHT ACTUALLY PULL THIS SHIT OFF AND MAKE SOMETHING DECENT!  
DAVE: man i dont wanna talk to rose about this  
DAVE: shes just gonna be a dick  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
KARKAT: WHY WOULD SHE BE A DICK?  
DAVE: ok maybe not a dick  
DAVE: like shes not gonna make me feel bad deliberately or anything  
DAVE: rose wouldnt do that  
DAVE: but...  
DAVE: she is definitely gonna bitch about how like her mom cooked her all the shit in this book in slightly wrong ways that she interpreted as straight up child abuse  
KARKAT: REALLY?  
DAVE: yeah its gonna be all how she bought her saffron threads hand plucked by blind nuns  
DAVE: instead of just regular nuns like a normal parent  
DAVE: as an extra special fuck you to her  
KARKAT: YOU TOTALLY LOST ME, DAVE.  
DAVE: look dude all im sayin is im happy to just flip through some recipes with you  
DAVE: and have a wholesome conversation about eating babies  
DAVE: im havin fun here i can do this all fuckin day  
DAVE: but man  
DAVE: i really...  
DAVE: really dont wanna hear about roses personal fucking journey with this book  
KARKAT: OK...  
DAVE: and yeah i donno maybe thats uncool of me  
DAVE: maybe im bein an asshole  
DAVE: although you pretty much just fuckin stole this thing from her karkat so i donno how much its on me to even talk to her about this  
DAVE: like its prolly never actually gonna come up i think i might be off the hook  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: *ARE* YOU HAVING FUN, DAVE?  
DAVE: yeah karkat im havin a fuckin blast cant you tell  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: OK, WE DON’T HAVE TO TALK TO ROSE.  
DAVE: great  
KARKAT: UM.  
KARKAT: DO YOU WANNA TRY MAKING SOMETHING IN HERE JUST US?  
DAVE: honestly dude  
DAVE: not really  
KARKAT: OH.  
DAVE: look its not like your idea sucks or anything  
DAVE: its a pretty sweet idea and tbh id be psyched about it in general  
DAVE: conceptually it could be a fun ass time  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: i donno man  
DAVE: the things in this book...  
DAVE: look  
DAVE: honestly?  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: i dont know how to make any of this shit  
KARKAT: OH.  
DAVE: not only do i not know how to make it  
DAVE: i dont even know what its supposed to fucking taste like ok karkat  
DAVE: i have literally no clue  
DAVE: this shit could be fuckin anything  
DAVE: it could actually taste like babies for all i know  
KARKAT: DAVE...  
DAVE: so yeah maybe we could like fumble our way into making somethin that at least kinda LOOKS like what its supposed to in the picture  
DAVE: but the taste could be way completely off and neither of us would know it  
DAVE: and the thing is  
DAVE: if by some fuckin miracle it turns out tasting kinda good  
DAVE: like even if it tastes fucking amazing  
DAVE: im still gonna have no fuckin clue if it tastes RIGHT  
DAVE: and im gonna know EXACTLY why that is  
DAVE: its cuz i never ate any of this fuckin stuff  
DAVE: i mean are you kidding me  
DAVE: my bro and me, we never went in for this kinda thing  
DAVE: we never went to a fuckin “bistro”  
DAVE: and we sure as shit didnt try to do any bistro cooking at home  
DAVE: like we had a kitchen  
DAVE: for some reason  
DAVE: i guess cuz it just fuckin came with the place  
DAVE: but it sure as hell never saw any cooking  
DAVE: it was more a place for  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: storage  
KARKAT: ...STORAGE?  
DAVE: yeah like for swords  
DAVE: and yknow  
DAVE: puppets  
KARKAT: OH.  
KARKAT: OH RIGHT.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: yeah so im sorry karkat  
DAVE: i know youre all jazzed about learnin about earth food  
DAVE: lucky for you you can talk to rose about that  
DAVE: thats fine its cool you should totally do that if you want  
DAVE: but i dont really wanna go with you sorry  
KARKAT: I DON’T NEED TO-  
DAVE: or shit maybe you can just hold out for fuckin chef dave  
DAVE: i bet hes fulla hot tips for how to best prepare a fuckin morel  
DAVE: but honestly dude i wouldnt count on it  
DAVE: just between you and me bro i think he might not be real  
DAVE: i got strong suspicions you just made him up  
KARKAT: HEH.  
DAVE: but man if you wanna try to learn about earth food with me  
DAVE: i think youre shit outta luck  
DAVE: i mean i donno  
DAVE: i could make you  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: a bag of chips  
DAVE: if you already got the chips  
DAVE: and also the bag  
DAVE: and that machine that like vacuum seals the chips inside the bag  
DAVE: i guess what im sayin is i could run to the bodega on the corner and pick you up a bag a chips  
KARKAT: THAT’S OK, DAVE.  
DAVE: i mean its not ok theres no fuckin bodegas anymore  
DAVE: so i cant even do that  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY.  
DAVE: shit its fine its not your fault  
DAVE: you didnt blow up the bodegas  
KARKAT: NO, I MEAN-  
DAVE: yeah obviously i know what you mean karkat  
DAVE: and uh  
DAVE: thanks  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ok hold up  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: COME ON, DAVE, WHAT?  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: ok theres one thing i can actually make  
KARKAT: YEAH?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: but its kinda stupid  
KARKAT: THAT’S OK. WHAT IS IT?  
DAVE: i mean it is DEFINITELY not gonna be in this fuckin bistro book  
KARKAT: SO FUCKING WHAT?  
KARKAT: FUCK THIS BOOK.  
KARKAT: TELL ME ABOUT YOUR STUPID THING.  
DAVE: heh  
DAVE: yeah its pretty stupid  
DAVE: but uh  
DAVE: im actually really fuckin good at it  
KARKAT: YEAH?  
DAVE: oh yeah for sure  
DAVE: like im actually the culinary master in this department  
DAVE: chef!dave doesnt got shit on me  
KARKAT: OH YEAH?  
DAVE: yeah man  
KARKAT: WHAT IS IT?  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: fluffernutters  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?  
DAVE: fluffernutters  
DAVE: oh my god dude  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: in a way im kinda so fucking glad you dont have this  
DAVE: cuz it just means i can take you on a spiritual journey right now  
DAVE: pop your fluffernutter cherry  
KARKAT: EUGH!  
DAVE: ok yeah wait that sounds gross as hell  
DAVE: forget i fuckin said that forever  
KARKAT: OH I WILL.  
DAVE: good  
DAVE: anyway  
DAVE: first thing you need  
DAVE: is peanut butter  
DAVE: SMOOTH  
DAVE: we dont want any chunks sneakin up on us  
DAVE: breakin our necks in the dark  
DAVE: gettin stuck in our teeth  
DAVE: fuck that man if i wanted to bite down on somethin hard id eat  
DAVE: ...pretty much any other food  
DAVE: but not this one ok  
DAVE: here we want just creamy velvety delight on our tongues  
KARKAT: OK.  
DAVE: also  
DAVE: and this is incredibly vital  
DAVE: generic  
DAVE: brand  
DAVE: ONLY  
DAVE: none a that jif shit  
DAVE: it doesnt taste right  
DAVE: moms who choose jif are fuckin russian sleeper agents tryna undermine our american way of life and cant be trusted  
KARKAT: ...RIGHT.  
DAVE: ok next  
DAVE: you gotta get marshmallow fluff  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?  
DAVE: oh man  
DAVE: its like  
DAVE: its own THING  
DAVE: it is a food APART  
DAVE: its like barely even on the food SPECTRUM  
KARKAT: ?  
DAVE: ok so its supposedly in the same genus as marshmallows  
DAVE: like the smore guys  
DAVE: but personally i got my doubts  
DAVE: i think that could just be like a taxonomy misnomer  
DAVE: like some european dude in the 15th century was namin sugary products and since they were both white an sweet he decided to call em both fuckin marshmallows even tho from our modern educated scientific perspective theyre obviously the result of two completely different evolutionary tracks  
KARKAT: DAVE, THIS IS FUN, BUT THIS ISN’T EXACTLY THE CLEAREST PICTURE YOU’VE EVER PAINTED HERE.  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS STUFF?  
DAVE: right  
DAVE: sorry  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: ok check it  
DAVE: so marshmallow fluff is like  
DAVE: 90 percent air  
DAVE: and 90 percent sugar  
DAVE: 90 percent dreams  
DAVE: and 90 percent the stickiest shit youve ever had the misfortune slash privilege to get stuck permanently to your face  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: THAT’S 360 PERCENT, DAVE.  
DAVE: hell yeah it is  
DAVE: its a perfect circle of goodness  
DAVE: euclid was all chillin in a cave and he ate some marshmallow fluff and boom he was so inspired he saw god or zeus or whatever and invented the circle  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: UGH.  
KARKAT: SO.  
KARKAT: SIFTING THROUGH ALL THIS BULLSHIT...  
KARKAT: I’M GETTING THE VAGUE IDEA THAT IT’S...  
KARKAT: SOME KIND OF SPREAD?  
DAVE: yeah thats it exactly  
DAVE: i mean its so much more than that obviously  
DAVE: like its technically kind of a way of life  
DAVE: like a religion if religion was both cool and based on shit thats actually true  
DAVE: but yeah  
DAVE: it comes in a tub and you spread it with a knife  
DAVE: or at least you try to  
KARKAT: GOT IT.  
DAVE: ok so the last and final ingredient is of course  
DAVE: two slices of wonder bread  
DAVE: left hand bread: pb  
DAVE: right hand bread: fluff  
DAVE: obviously you dont hold both while youre spreadin  
DAVE: or youre gonna run into trouble  
DAVE: but once each slice is all slathered in its respective juices  
DAVE: you slap em together  
DAVE: slather side down  
DAVE: and lo and behold you have created the nectar of the fucking gods  
DAVE: the gods WISH they had this nectar  
DAVE: the gods fuckin sent prometheus down to US to try to steal the recipe for this nectar  
DAVE: prometheus was like naw you know what im just gonna chill here on earth  
DAVE: they got fluffernutters here  
DAVE: fuck mount olympus im never goin back  
DAVE: zeus is always actin skeevy as fuck around the ladies anyway  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: SO THAT’S IT?  
DAVE: yeah man thats it  
KARKAT: IT SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD.  
DAVE: uh yeah it is  
DAVE: i mean “pretty good” is the biggest understatement to ever pass human or troll lips of course  
DAVE: like they got laws in the geneva convention against slappin fluffernutters with a qualifier as scandalously unenthusiastic as “pretty good”  
DAVE: but since youve never actually had one ill let it slide i wont report you or anything  
KARKAT: THANKS, DAVE.  
DAVE: no problem man  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: so  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: thats it thats the one thing i can make  
DAVE: its not special or anything but...  
KARKAT: YEAH, HUMANS ONLY HAD *ONE* LAW AGAINST SLANDERING ITS GOOD NAME.  
DAVE: heh  
DAVE: yeah dude but that was the fuckin swiss  
DAVE: those motherfuckers loved food their country was like 90 percent cheese it doesnt even count  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: man i donno  
DAVE: i liked it anyway  
DAVE: but it for sure wasnt fancy  
DAVE: like i seriously doubt rose ate many fluffernutters in her few but refined ass years on earth  
DAVE: and if trolls did have em i doubt you woulda either  
DAVE: i mean cmon man you were eating fuckin grub bourguignon  
KARKAT: NO I WASN’T.  
DAVE: what the fuck  
DAVE: you said it was good  
KARKAT: NOPE. I NEVER HAD IT.  
DAVE: why because it doesnt fucking exist  
KARKAT: NO, IT EXISTED! I SWEAR I WASN’T FUCKING WITH YOU ABOUT THAT!  
KARKAT: I JUST...  
KARKAT: COME ON, DAVE, I WAS BULLSHITTING BECAUSE I THOUGHT *YOU’D* HAD IT!  
DAVE: wait really  
KARKAT: YEAH!  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY DAVE!  
KARKAT: I WAS A FUCKING KID.  
KARKAT: AND A MUTANT.  
KARKAT: AND I NEVER FUCKING WENT OUTSIDE.  
KARKAT: WHERE THE FUCK WAS I GONNA GET GRUB BOURGUIGNON?  
DAVE: shit i donno maybe your lusus coulda gotten take out  
KARKAT: NO, HE DIDN’T REALLY DO THAT KIND OF THING.  
KARKAT: HE MORE BROUGHT HOME STUFF LIKE  
KARKAT: DEAD ANIMALS  
KARKAT: AND  
KARKAT: SLIME.  
DAVE: heh  
DAVE: oh man im sorry  
DAVE: haha shit karkat im really sorry  
DAVE: haha oh no hahaha i know youre just tryna make me feel better  
DAVE: all pourin your heart out haha fuck  
DAVE: i shouldnt laugh im bein a total dick right now just  
DAVE: hehe im sorry man theres just somethin about that thats really really fuckin ridiculous  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU.  
DAVE: yeah fuck you too  
KARKAT: (:B  
DAVE: :)  
KARKAT: HEH.  
KARKAT: I GUESS IT KIND OF IS.  
KARKAT: RIDICULOUS, I MEAN.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: MAYBE WE BOTH HAD REALLY RIDICULOUS LIVES.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: maybe we did  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: YOU WANNA...  
KARKAT: YOU WANNA TRY TO MAKE A FLUFFERNUTTER?  
DAVE: shit i dont even know if we can  
KARKAT: WE COULD TRY.  
KARKAT: I MEAN HOW MUCH GRIST COULD IT POSSIBLY TAKE TO MAKE SOMETHING THAT’S 90 PERCENT DREAMS?  
DAVE: youd think it wouldnt be a lot but its actually hells of expensive  
KARKAT: OH YEAH?  
DAVE: yeah its cuz you gotta alchemize a thousand fuckin fairies to dream the dreams  
KARKAT: HEH.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: but whatever  
DAVE: lets give it a shot anyway  
KARKAT: OK. LET’S DO IT.  



End file.
